But she went with a smile

It was seven years ago

You might say we were young and innocent and fake

But you were the first thing I am sure about in my life like never before

You might think I moved on

But you’re still the one I’m craving

A single night turned it all

I can’t describe my feeling

Should I be sad to see you happy?

Should I be happy to see you again?

Pattaya – Bangkok 2011

The calm clear beach suddenly reminds her of you. Took her quiet some years to get over you, and now Pattaya’s beach have brought you back to her mind.

If you believe in coincidence, you might want to call this one. If you don’t, maybe it’s not the beach, but one single cell of your skin that goes into her nose and remind her of you brings the fact that both of you are here in this exotic city.

Not to make you feel even more guilty for leaving her, but I must tell you this: She has been craving for you since you leave.

You were gone just in a blink, just like clouds turns to rain, not even a chance to breath not a chance to cry.

She ceased crying after you left. The confusion you left has drown her, giving her no chance to reach air. I never saw a soul so emotionless before, confusion takes all control.

And now kismet brings her to Thailand, the country where you have been building your yearning. You thought nowhere else in the world could accept you this way, but I tell you now that she could.

She is here for her honeymoon. It would be just perfect if you’re not here. Her loving husband is just ultimate, just like she is. You love the right girl. Rich in her knowledge and ethic, loyal as sun to earth.

This noon she arrived in Pattaya, the sun glaze her beautiful eyes and invite her sweats until it make her wet. A leisure walk on the beach seize her to you again. She misses you! Holding her husband’s hand, she thought of you.

Not knowing what surprise she is getting today, today is just another honeymoon day for her until tonight, when she watch you as a star. A star so bright your brilliance put her right in line between euphoria and gloom.

The shimmering stage mesmerized her. It’s not that glamorous to you anymore, you are used to it. You practiced there everyday! That’s why you’re a great star, you are very committed to your work as a cabaret star. You are the opening act for tonight’s show.

You’re already on your beautiful red dress, swaying yourself in the mirror, thinking to yourself how pretty you are! This must be because the skillful make up artist. Nervous has left you long ago. The stage feels like your home, it’s sweet and warm to earn all the claps of the audience.

It’s show time now, you’re taking a last look of yourself in the mirror. Everything is perfect, you’re ready to give your best shot today, for tomorrow is valentine, everyone deserve a handful of sincerity.

She is already there, waiting for the most famous show in Thailand. As always, her cheerful move makes it easy to spot her although she do not sit in the middle line.

When all the light lays on you, she clapped just like everyone else. Suddenly the world went to mute when you saw her. But you still got to sing your song, which is the song you once sing to her.

L is for the way you look at me

O is for the only one I see

V is very very, extraordinary and

E is even more than anyone that I adore

Love is all that I can give to you

Love is more than just a game for two

Two in love can make it

Take my heart but please don't break it

Love was made for me and you

Your smile never failed, it always magically put the audience under your spell. In the back row, your hunky boyfriend claps proudly as a lion. He can’t wait to take you home and seduce you tonight. But you know that’s not going to happen tonight, because it’s your chance to pay your debt to her. An explanation.

She has been blinking supremely through the song you sang. Like being electrocuted by Zeus’s blitz, her emotions rush into her. All the emotion that has been gone with you now come to her all at once, making her almost unable to bear.

It’s not just another honeymoon day for her now. It’s not just another valentine eve for you.

You and her zoom for each other right after the show. With all the changes, you are amazed how she can still recognize you.

“Marvin! Marvin is that really you??!” your little hurtful girl is calling you. You still can’t decide to show yourself to her or just pretend not knowing. You realize now, talking to her takes a lot of courage. But your soft heart misses her too. Deep inside you still loves her, as a sister, as a friend, maybe as a lover.

“Eva! I really don’t know what to say. How can you still recognize me?”

“So this is why you left me?” her frank question tears up your heart. You were being honest. You really don’t know what to say.

“I remember you all the way, Eva. I could never say enough sorry to you. This guilt haunts me and ……”

“So this is why you left me?! Answer me! This is why??” her raising voice sent shivers throughout your body and you can’t hold your tears anymore.

“Yes my dear Eva, I didn’t know how to tell you. I thought it would hurt you to know this, it would be really hard for you to leave me but I know you deserve a normal straight man better than me so I decide to be the one leaving. I know I was being really selfish, I know you could never forgive me.” A few seconds feels like years to you. Then you gathered some guts to talk again “Stop crying my dear Eva,  you are not to bear this pain, I thought you moved on. We should have not met. It hurts me to see you sad.” You are trying to wipe her tears with your napkin.

She stares at you with eyes full of tears and it hurts you even more.  You glide too far on her tears that you don’t realize she grabs your breasts.

“Look at you! You have boobs bigger than mine! You wear powder thicker than mine! Your lips, oh God, I still keep that dorky lipstick you gave me exactly the same color like its on your lips now.” She shouted at you, fiercely letting all her emotions out. I can’t really tell whether she is angry or really sad, maybe only you and her know. “You speak softer than my grandma and I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I…..” her energy to speak evaporates.

You run out of words to say, she still got much emotion to take out. There you are, both trapped in the awkwardness of an unexpected rendezvous. Leaving a gay boyfriend and a new husband confused of where on earth you guys were.

“Marvin, I need to know. Do you really love me?” She asked you the impossible question to explain. You can’t say a word to answer but you have the answer in your heart. After some time of silence, she starts to get hold of herself again. “Marvin, did you know that when I sing nothing you confess could make me love you less I really mean it? I still do. I still love you. But now maybe I should learn to love you as a friend. Or a sister perhaps.”

She looks like she is talking to air. It’s either she is afraid to look into your eyes or she know that you fear looking to her eyes too.

“It even feels weird to call you Marvin.”

“Eva, I do love you. I thought I love you as a lover and I love you so much I don’t want to hurt you a single bit. But seems like I ruined everything. I should not let you love me at the very first time.”

“I see” She nodded in a satisfied manner “What’s your name now?”

“Bella”

“You really are bella. Let me introduce you to my husband.”

She introduced you to her husband, and went away in her husband’s arm.

I don’t know whether this untangled the tangled, heal the hurt or hurt even more. But she went with a smile.

“Happy Valentine Bella!”

“Happy Valentine Eva!”