Avrio

Avrio will be the day I die.

Avrio my children will be motherless, and my husband will lose his wife.

Avrio is a big day.

Everyone will be glad.

My husband choose avrio to be the day I go.

Because it’s our anniversary day!

And the children, oh! They have strong hearts!

They succeed assuring my parents several times.

My dad was a hunter.

Since I was a baby, he often leave home for months.

Only my mm and my bigger brother  take care of me.

He went so often that most time I feel like I don’t have a father.

And mom was only human. Not a really strong one, thou.

She cheated on my dad. But I was somehow glad for her.

My brother leave home early.

He hates mom’s boyfriend.

I was only fifteen when my brother leave the house.

I was alone.

Mom have nothing else in mind but her boyfriend.

Dad took longer to go hunting.

He went for six month or more.

And so I hated  my life.

I tried to end it myself several times but they just don’t work.

I never thought I would die this way.

I swear I would laugh really hard if I can.

Remembering how I wanted to die so bad, and now I’m dying and I want to live so bad.

I’ve been told and I know,

It’s only in the last moments of your life you regret that there are so many words unsaid.

So many gifts and smiles are not given.

So many love unshared.

Trust me, this is the worse feeling you would ever feel.

I never tell my parents that I forgive them.

I never tell my brother that I actually cares.

I haven’t tell my husband how much I love him in a long time.

And my children, Dear Lord! They must know I love them so much.

I haven’t always been perfect for them.

As a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, I broke their hearts.

I was too proud and ignorance.

But I love them.

I just wish I could once again see them in the eyes and say ‘I love you’

Here I am, in my humblest moment of my life.

I’ve been here for months with the machine working for my body to keep me alive.

This feels ridiculous!

A soul with thoughts and feelings can be sustained by an assembled metal and plastic parts.

As I was thinking, my whole family and best friends come into my room.

My smallest son holds my hand and say:

            “Mommy, I know you are going far away. But Grandpa said, no matter how far you go, you’ll be in my heart. All I need to do is forgive every wrongs you did so I’m here to tell you that I have forgive you and I will miss you. And mommy, I can take a bath by myself already! So you don’t need to worry, oukay!”

There is a rush of peace and release all over my body. It’s a huge relief to know that I am forgiven by the ones I love.

I don’t have much time.

Avrio is my time.

I am ready to go.

Avrio.